• Nathaniel G. Sands

Seasonal Depression

Hello friends, and a warm welcome to you. I am sorry it has been so long since I last opened up. Things have been extremely busy and quite stressful. This past year has been a difficult one for me for a variety of reasons, and I know I am among company. For many this fall seems to be a time of uncertainty, fear, and solitude.

Last November I was working for a forestry company, I went to Myanmar to do some missionary work, Dewdney was in the process of disbanding, and I began a relationship with someone I completely adored. There is no way I could have guessed that this November I would be starting a practicum as a support worker, not able to travel indefinitely, preparing to record with my new band Davidian, and single once again.

Sometimes I wonder if this life of chaos is a blessing or a curse. I've decided it's both.

Today I felt particularly emotional. This entire year has been a bit of a rollercoaster, but this week was especially hard. I finished my diploma and began my practicum with The Fraser River Indigenous Society. It was hard to say goodbye to the classroom, but I feel she and I will meet again soon. It was hard to say goodbye to my classmates as well! And did so with an original tune that came to me as a fellow classmate jokingly said I should write a song for the class to say good-bye. It was well received and I will say it was some of my best work. I'm certain their were some tears shed.

Often I am moved to tears. Today that happened twice. First, hearing about someone's father passing away, and then during a great scene in Whiplash, (a must match, especially if you're a musician).

Over the years I've pushed to be as honest and open as possible, with myself and others. I began this blog with the same intensions that inspired me to begin writing in general. I desire to better understand myself and the world around me and to discover my potential and purpose. I want to feel inspired, enjoy beauty, experience love, and embrace all that this world as to offer. This sounds a little cheesy, and of course it is, but I promise I am not so naïve and I won't patronize you. These things are what I desire. And often enjoy them. But life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. There are often storms, droughts, and pandemics. Life is a process, not a destination. And perhaps you, like me, have looked back through the years, and see a life full of tragedy. But perhaps, you like me, also look back and see a divine comedy.

My writing began at 21, which resulted from a difficult breakup. To me it was more than difficult, it was heartbreaking. My entire world crashed down around me and I became severely depressed. I felt worthless and alone. But the new-found solitude allowed me to begin the process of discovering who I was and what I wanted to become.

I began to spend my time alone reading and writing. I started to journal my days, from what I did, who I saw, what I completed, to the emotions and thoughts behind them.

I looked back on the teen years, where I would spend nights staring up at the ceiling in the dark - lost in my disjointed thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and sadness. What I realized was that I had been depressed for years. Music was how I coped then, and remains an essential coping mechanism today. I discovered that I had never truly recovered from this state but instead discovered ways of escaping it. Being in a four year relationship distracted me from my true feeling, which surfaced often and against my better judgement. I was clearly frustrated with my self and my life and was pretending for years that I wasn't.

I began writing poetry, prayers, desires, fears, and my dreams. It began as a form of therapy, or recovery if you will. The novel I wrote the process of expanding my understanding through story and poetry, with the target of recognizing my own finitude and my desire to have a piece of my art left behind. Its my early reaction to the seasons of life, and the changes in weather.

Now that my course is over and the year is coming to a close very soon, I am looking forward to keeping a daily journal for work, and hopefully blogging more! No doubt I will dedicate a blog to The Fraser River Indigenous Society at the end of practicum, as I am still learning so much.

But as I begin my practicum, and my journaling, and my career as a support worker, wherever that may be and whomever it be with, I will forever be reminded of Ocean, (Dancing Water), and the fateful night we crossed paths in the alley main and Hastings, that wonderfully optimistic first night of 2K Twenty.

That optimism remains in me. I continue to look for ways to laugh, love, relax and enjoy the time I have. The memories of old and the mysteries of tomorrow are enough to remind me that I am completely unique and that my story is far from over. Ill sign off with some kind words from my wonderful mom. Much love to you all.

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